Dandelion tea is not for tasting good or maybe back in the olden days before preservatives and “natural” flavoring bitter and flavorless was what tasted good. I’m not a fan of flavorless. I snuggle up on the sunporch and look at a newly bloomed tulip tree and knead a dream I had this morning in my mind — like dough, of which I cannot eat. Because? You guessed it, things that make things that taste good are not good for you.
I had a dream this morning after husband left to go to his networking meeting. It felt long but I don’t know how long episodes are in dream world. For sure, to me, it would’ve been like an hour long not sitcom length.
If dreams are representative, maybe it isn’t so strange when you dream of people from your past. Sometimes it leaves you dazed and wondering, for a good part of your “after waking up with Folger’s in your cup.” (or gross tea) Before, when I’d dream of someone I had seen or talked to in a long time, I would pray for them or reach and out and make sure they were okay. There is the woman I dream about who was a big part of a past journey, and I came to realize when I saw her in a dream that I needed to ask myself — what is going on with the strong woman inside of me? where do I need to be stronger in my life? where am I trying to be strong that exhausts me?
This morning I dreamed about a high school crush. Unrequited love? What is it about that? Maybe, it’s the same thing as fanfiction. What compels me to write fanfiction about characters another writer has established? All three shows I’ve written for … it’s been about love that is unrequited. Writers that left tension, losse ends, almost a kiss. So, maybe that person is your fanfiction … the real life kind. Eh … But maybe, they represent something … So, a friend that I went to high school with showed up in my dream this morning. I had a crush on him … maybe my first love (but unrequited), he had a crush on me … the timing was always off. I wasn’t there that day he knocked on the door. Star Trek: TNG movie blocked that path in my life. It’s okay because Riker/Troi got married in that one. So, we’re friends, we were friends … it wasn’t something that probably would’ve worked out other than in high school and God had better plans for both of us. He married the love of his life, and God created the most beautiful man I’ve ever known to step into mine. But the mind wanders for a writer and in sleep … it makes for good stories … good ideas for stories and fanfiction. Maybe, the passion for a lot of creating exists on unrequited. We propel ourselves forward a lot on things that we won’t let ourselves miss out on again, ideas of the imagination, or things we hope to come true that are enough even if they don’t — the striving, the journey.
Anyway, husband and I were staying in the bonus room or basement room of a family friend in the dream who has a sick loved one. In someways, the reflection of a long love relationship that is facing the ultimate step to overcoming or loving wit the possibility of letting go is a beautiful thing to reflect on enough in a dream. The fact that we were staying at someone else’s house wasn’t surprising either. We’re in transition. We seem to have walked a lot of our marriage in the in between, but sometimes you have to take chances and risk changes even if no one else can understand … even if you don’t understand the journey.
Also, in the dream husband realized that a huge final paper for a class we were taking was due the next day while we were talking to a neighbor that had tried to sell him pot. He had been smoking a cigarette moments earler or at least, had put one in his mouth. I was looking at him like, “Take that out right now! You don’t do that!” So, husband does indeed check the website for the class and the paper is due the next day. We’re both responsible for the assignment. It’s one of those long college papers that involves books, research, and steps. He leaves to go get it done, and I get on the phone to the doctor to see if he can write me an excuse for the illness and anxiety that has kept me from all the classes and now there’s a final paper and I’ve missed the lessons and the work.
I think this part of the dream could go two ways. I used to dream a lot that I was on stage in a play that I’d never been given the script to or learned the lines for and I was expected to just carry the show. I think it’s kind of the same thing. We’re both learning still how to do life in a relationship, to be married, and as two people that are introverts … how to be with someone all the time. I also think that it is a time when spiritually husband has been growing a lot, is feeling God’s spirit, and is putting in a lot of work to know what he believes and the Truth of the things he believes in … I have struggled a bit with my faith this year. For various reasons, I have struggled with spending time with God over vegging out on things with no meaning.
I know what you’re thinking … it was a dream. But it was a long dream and one that stayed with me. I was taught long ago to pay attention to my dreams … it’s a lesson I’ve kept with me. You can be biased and filter your emotions and thoughts in life, but in your dreams you can’t. They just are and are happening.
So, my friend shows up … it’s one of those examples of wanting to find out the answers from something that you’ll never have all the answers to. He doesn’t speak a lot in the dream. Mostly, in the beginning when he comes into the room with me. It’s when he is about to shed light on things that I wake up. But, he has come looking for me. It’s that thing in high school that you wish the person you like would show up at your doorstep or at your work with flowers. You want them to be looking for you. In my dream, he was. It was weird to me because we were no where close to where he lives … why would he think I would be there? At a person’s house he doesn’t know and in the basement? But, he was calling for me from a hallway. I told him about wanting to leave school … he got it. The thing that stood out to me was that I asked him the best thing that happened to him that day and he didn’t answer. I even brought it up later … “Why don’t you answer the question?” It’s not a really hard one. There’s always something in your day that you can be thankful for … even if it’s small. He was exposed in front of me in some symbolic ways … I was folding or packing or teaching … I’m not quite sure. There were feelings there. The kind that come when you’re reading a fanfiction. Will they or won’t they? Will they ever be together? Will he tell her what’s been going on in his mind? Faithfulness was always in place. Even, in my dream, I knew I was married, but I wanted to know only something he could say … wanted only something he could give me. Right before I thought he was going to explain everything, I woke up. Unrequited.
So, who is he? Well, if you even knew me in high school … you’re probably saying … duh, that’s an easy one. What I mean is, what does he represent? I’ve been asking for more affection towards God/Jesus and he’s the one with the answers that seem distant or illusive at times. Could that have been the symbolism? Maybe, it’s the dreamer in me. Maybe, it’s the creative life. You know I’m the one who struggles against the flavorless … even when it’s good for me. Maybe, seeing someone who represents something that you wanted to happen or a love that wasn’t reciprocated in the season or time you had laid out for yourself …
Yes, it’s the issue with being a dreamer. A believer in all things can come true. A faith follower in God wanting big and beautiful things for those He loves. It’s something about being a creative and trusting in the life you want to lead when everyone else’s looks more stable and possible. It’s that thing that makes you dream about your high school guy friend, that crush that never went further than cheek kisses, hugs, and wearing class rings … when you wonder if you’ll ever see your creative hopes come to fruition and if that sweetness the bits and pieces of “almost” will ever be enough for you.