I’ll trust Him when I bleed and I’ll trust Him when I don’t. I hope both will be genuine.
God has been taking me through a season of learning to trust Him. (In some areas probably the first time, others — more, still others – again) I don’t know that I’ve quite gotten it fully yet, but let me assure you, He’s still got me in the season. So, there’s time. In moments, I trust really well until I get disappointed. Sometimes, I trust in my spirit and then my brain gets involved.
Trust is a weird thing. I think I’m trusting and then my actions show that I’m not. I think I’m trusting and then I get a panic attack. I think I’m trusting and in the back of my consciousness I’m still seeking to control, and while it seems to be going okay, I seem to be really much better at trusting.
Most of the time, I guess it’s just a struggle to get mind, spirit, and flesh to mesh. Trust is less about learning to, than letting go to which can be scary. Things coming in from the internet, past experiences, familial foundations, TV shows, magazines, other people … Things come in to sidetrack me. I’m much better at grabbing on to a tangible person than to God at times, though I’ve gotten much better than I used to be.
Then what about when we’re supposed to trust each other? I wondered aloud this question in connection to my fellow women – kind. Why do we keep womanly things quiet or in the dark? Do we not trust each other enough? Or, have we been taught too long that it’s just not “appropriate” to talk about “those” things.
My new exercise in trusting God involves wishing I had more of your stories to trust as well. I can only start by sharing my own story.
Why don’t women talk more about what it’s really like trying to have a baby? I asked a coworker why I swallowed emotion that bubbled in my throat.
Why do people want to have children? I asked my husband while driving to a poetry reading last night. Although, I’m pretty sure I know the answer.
By no means am I claiming to have had trouble getting pregnant. I haven’t really gotten into the trying. However, I’m going to be honest. There are so many details I never learned before I even got to that step. Because, I’ve not heard women talk about these things, it could just be the way by special brain is wired. And if so, enjoy this little bout of “eccentric.”
Why don’t we talk to each other about the fact that sometimes people get married and they just start getting disappointed when they see their period come on the exact day it’s supposed to? Have you? I have. We were still using condoms. We weren’t trying to have a baby. At times, it might not have even been when I was most fertile. However, every month a little part of my spirit would frown. It’s like Christmas and then suddenly with one wipe of the toilet tissue – BOOM! It’s the day after, only you had to return your favorite gift without a receipt. It makes no sense to be sad about something you weren’t even planning to have AND sometimes it feels like it would just be better if it was a surprise. If it was an unplanned thing, it means it can “stay.” Like, maybe you weren’t ready yet but if God brought a baby, He’ll take you on this great adventure that will have ups and downs and hardships and joys and He will grow you and teach you and leap you. I love things like that with God. Hang onto that thought …
Why don’t we talk to each other about waiting? Hello! Did anyone ever tell you the before? You know, the before the plus sign, two lines, or digital read out “You’re pregnant.” If you’re like me, I think the movies engraved in me what having a baby is like. You make love with your husband and intimacy grows and sure, it feels good. Cut to ten minutes later … there’ s a positive pregnancy test, hijinks ensue, the woman thinks of a sweet way to surprise the husband, and 15 minutes after that the baby comes and they name it, and the kid might even be grown by the end of the two hour movie. Are you good at waiting? I have never been. As a youngest kiddo, it wasn’t in my vocabulary a lot. As a bit of a control freak, I learned to protect myself and get what I needed. Do you know what takes a lot of waiting that no one ever told me about? Babies!
So, it’s not like Look Who’s Talking exactly. Sure, the sperm “swimmies” up and finds the egg – maybe. I learned recently about the WHOLE process. Your husband’s stuff gets in you (sometimes, sometimes it comes right back out). The sperm has to find your egg in the fallopian tube, fertilize, then the fertilized egg has to come down the fallopian tube, and implant in your uterus, (Get this!) stay there, and then you may (50 percent of these fertilized eggs don’t stay before you even know you’re pregnant) have a baby growing. BUT, you have to have the love during certain short window for any of this to take place at all. Also, it isn’t just that you miss your period and can do a test … sometimes you can have a light period and still be pregnant … sometimes you have implantation blood … sometimes – sometimes not. You wait two weeks from when you had the love at the good time for the egg to drop down and meet the sperm and then you wait. If you conceive, you wait three months to see if it sticks and then you really wait until birth. I’m not a good waiter. This is a huge exercise in trusting God. Who knew it was so complex? Why don’t we talk to each other about the waiting? During the waiting? To pass time … Also, does it make sense that the same symptoms that mean you’re pregnant also mirror your period symptoms?
We trust God’s timing. I trust like this sometimes. (Proceed carefully, I’m going to talk about things we aren’t “supposed” to talk about) God, I thank you either way. I’ll be happy if I’m not because there’s a lot going on, because I can lose weight, because I can work on my health, and if I am I’ll be super happy, thankful. Either way I’m going to need You. Then, I swipe carefully on the day my period is meant to come. I sometimes don’t even want to go to the bathroom because there might be red. Then there is pink. I’m disappointed. I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve taken the vitamins, folic acid, I’ve approached things in a relaxed, intimate, spiritual way, and I’ve prayed and willed my body every day for two weeks. So the bummedness comes. At times, some tears. The thinking process and physical process is not something your husband will ever understand so you feel frustrated that you can’t make him understand. Then, you think, well it was just like pink and not on the pad yet or enough for tampon. I could be pregnant. This could be implantation. So, you hang onto hope for a few more days. You’re nauseous. Your boobs ache. You get excited/concerned every time you have to pee. Relief overcomes when there’s still only light pink, when there are no blood clots or tissue or anything that means an embryo couldn’t survive in your falling apart uterus that you hoped would stay together. You sit longer on the potty in the mornings so you don’t have to see just yet. I personally, have done EPT tests before they are even going to pick anything up.
Here’s a fun conversation we have. Me to Heath: You should probably pick up more than one test when you go because inevitably I’m going to take one early. Or this, It is four days before my late period, it said 53 percent accurate. Heath: 50 percent. That’s like me sitting here and saying you aren’t pregnant well you might be …
It is humorous. It is also a super special time that grows you as a person and in intimacy with God and your husband. But it isn’t quick even if you are healthy and can conceive normally and it definitely isn’t like the movies.
It’s bloody. It’s examining. Is this discharge with blood or actual blood vessels on the toilet paper? Did I fill a whole pad b/c implantation blood is less than a pad? Is that an actual line on this test or did someone scratch the plexi-plastic stuff when they were making that window?
Let’s be raw and yucky and real. Because it’s lonely when there’s no book or movie or person that’s going to not be embarrassed enough to tell you this. Raise your hand if you’ve googled, “Can I have a period and still be pregnant?” Whisper a “heck yeah” if you’ve cried when your period came and you weren’t even trying to have a baby? Have you ever wondered why teenage pregnancy seems so easy, you know when it isn’t “supposed” to happen, and yet, when you actually try it doesn’t usually happen on the first try? I know it seems crass and has its own set of problems but somewhere in the back of your head you’ve wondered why a 15 year old can get pregnant make in the moment decisions with their boyfriend but you can’t get all the many variables to come together to be able to surprise your loved ones and have a reveal party?
I’ve seen a lot of posts and articles on Facebook recently about babies passing away, mom’s dying so their babies could live as newborns, miscarriages … (First, it makes me wonder why I still look at Facebook) Second, the heartache seems so great in even trying. If I get so heartbroken over my period arriving or a test not doing what it’s meant to … I can’t even fathom. And, these are good people, close to God people who have lost sweet babies.
Why do people want to try this at all? Why don’t women talk about it? Why am I always having to learn to trust?
God’s been teaching me to trust Him this season. He’s been teaching me to trust. This is what I am learning.
“Behold children are a gift of the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward.”
*** My husband is the most loving, listening, sympathetic beautiful person in regards to me and the world in general. Just in case this at any point sounds like he personally doesn’t understand. It’s more of a subject only women can understand. I am so blessed to have him. ***